


Never Meant To Hurt Him

by Phantisocial



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Anxiety, Cheating, M/M, Making Up, Multiple Relationships, Nightmare, Panic Attack, Phan - Freeform, Sad!Phil, Scared!Phil, Smut, Yaoi, breaking up, depressed!phil, hurt!phil, phil has a panic attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-13
Updated: 2015-08-13
Packaged: 2018-04-14 12:53:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4565388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phantisocial/pseuds/Phantisocial
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He doesn't know why he did it. Doesn't know why he started in the first place. He never wanted to hurt him, hurt Phil. Phil. Phil Lester. Phil -could have been- Howell. He never meant to, but he always did and Phil always forgave him; maybe that's where they went wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Meant To Hurt Him

He doesn't know why he did it. Doesn't know why he started in the first place. He never wanted to hurt him, hurt Phil. Phil. Phil Lester. Phil -could have been- Howell. He never meant to, but he always did and Phil always forgave him; maybe that's where they went wrong.

He sees the way Phil seems to be falling apart and he ignores it, instead texting Peej "Hey hunny, can I come over?x" and when Phil begs him not to leave he just walks past and leaves.  
Phil forgave him that same night.

When Phil cries at Vidcon, the noises too loud, the people too touchy, the panic too strong he barely acknowledges the shaking man beside him instead texting Joey "Hey sweetie, wanna make out?x" He leaves Phil to fight the demons himself.   
When he gets home Phil's lying in bed, a packet of sleeping pills open and tear tracks staining his face. Dan looks at the man who saved him over and over again and sleeps on the sofa.

When Dan pukes in the night from too much to drink, Phil holds Dan in his arms, rocking him back and forth, rubbing soothing circles on his back because that's just so Phil. Phil who loves Dan regardless and in that moment he feels so fucking awful that he cries to Phil, "no more, Phil, I love you, I only want you." Phil just tucks Dan into bed and leaves the nightlight on, whispering as he leaves "don't make promises you can't keep, Daniel."   
He breaks his promise to Phil the next night.

The next night he's down the club, pissed out of his mind. Smashed, hammered. The lights a painful blur and the music a thumping beat, and that boys lips on his. Soft, chapped and needy, pulling at Dans hair begging for more. No love just lust and infatuation; needing and wanting.   
Phil's waiting up for him when he gets home and takes in the sight of his untucked shift, unzipped trousers and love bitten neck. Phil sighs, a crease forming between his eyes; he passes Dan some aspirin, "for the hangover headache in the morning." 

At Easter Phil buys Dan twelve eggs of his favourite chocolates, funny tshirts and an anime box set. Dan sends Phil a text meant for someone else "Hey bby, if I can get Phil out later come round and let's be rabbits ;) x"   
Phil cries for an hour and Dan can hear him screaming "Why can't I be good enough for him." Dan leaves then because he doesn't want Phil anymore, Phils like an overused toy now.

When he lifts his hand towards Phil, not for the first time he sees the sheer terror in Phils eyes and the man cowers in front of him. He stares at Phil dejectedly, "pathetic," he whispers; not sure anymore which one of them he's even talking about.   
Before he sneaks out the apartment that night he hears Phil screaming," No! Please don't hurt me again." Phil hasn't had nightmares about the bullies since meeting Dan, and knowing Dan would never let people hurt him. Now, Dan didn't just let people hurt him, Dan hurt Phil himself. That night he sneaks out the apartment to another man, even when he hears Phil retching from the nightmare.

The next morning Phils eyes are red and he hold his head down to the floor, he notices the black ring mixed with blue around Phils eyes and stops dead. Holding Phils head in his hand, muttering "Who the fuck did this to you?" Phil turns away despondently and hides in his room because it's just then that Dan realises that he did this to Phil and he screams and throws things for hours and yet Phil never once comes out of his room to check on Dan. Who could blame him?

When Phil organises a huge party for Dans 23rd birthday, complete with all of his favourite things he repays the favour by letting Phil go home by himself and screwing a random friend.  
Phil doesn't even look at him anymore. Phil doesn't seem much like Phil anymore, and Dan realises Phil isn't Phil anymore. Dan crushed his essence, the soul thing that made Phil , Phil.

Dan doesn't even wish Phil happy birthday, he stays out for 6 nights, with everyone; with anyone who isn't Phil.   
When he comes back, Phils hair is a mess, his frame too skinny and eyes gaunt and it's then that Dan realises how badly he been hurting Phil. He cries himself to sleep in the bathroom. The next morning Phil isn't there.

Just a single note, fluttering brightly in the breeze that floated in from the window. Written in Phils loving hand,  
"Dan,  
I can't do this anymore. You hurt me, you hurt me over and over again... I'm sorry Dan, I just can't do this."  
Phillip Lester."

Dan realises then how much he fucked up Phil and what he had with him because Phil was the sweetest, kindest man that Dan ever knew and he had broken him.

He leaves the apartment too, because Phil is everywhere. Swimming in the dish water, scented into the air, over Dans clothes and mind and heart. Inside the cracks in the walls and in the chairs and rooms; Phil is a wildfire spirit, was a wildfire. Phil was everywhere.

He didn't know why he did it, why he started doing it. Maybe because Phil was boring? Dan knew that was wrong, Phil was the most exciting person you could meet. He never meant to break him. Break Phil. Phillip Lester. Phil-could have been-Howell with the sparkling azure eyes which no longer sparkled, faded into a deep dark pool of sadness because Dan had broken Phil and taken the pieces with him with every night they spent apart.


End file.
